My Weight Loss Journey Was Never About Weight

Most of the time, weight loss journeys are filled with journeying deep through your own shadows. Battling them, not necessarily conquering them, but deeply understanding them and trusting that you will figure things out.

Mine was such a battle too.

Battling through my shadows, almost day to day.

I have had phases where I lost the weight, gained it back, then lost it again, and gained it back.

I began to understand that weight loss has to come with shifting my identity.

I Grew Up Performing

Growing up, I felt like I was in this constant race of chasing something. I thought I had to perform. I had to work hard. Which all led to self-abandoning myself and my body in pursuit of seeking validation.

I thought if I could just perform and not pay attention to my body or my mind, maybe I would succeed. Then I would earn the love.

Society had put so much pressure on performance that I believed if I didn't join this race, my survival would be at risk.

Perform I did.

Self-abandon I did.

But everything came at a cost.

 My health declined in my early thirties. I was in constant stress. I always felt like I was performing, although I didn't even know who I was performing for.

I never felt at peace.

I couldn't appreciate myself. I couldn't say that what I did mattered. Or that who I was mattered.

I understood I was performing to seek validation.

The Little Girl Was Running My Adult Life

I was still letting the little girl inside me run my life. She was constantly in the background, trying to earn the love and acceptance she never received as a child. My adult life revolved around satisfying this little girl. She threw tantrums every time she felt she wasn't getting the validation she wanted.

And all it did was make me abandon myself even more.

I felt so exhausted. Because she was never going to be satisfied. The love she wanted was never given to her when she was a child.

So there I was, scrambling through my adult life, trying to fulfil the wishes of a little girl who was still waiting for someone to finally choose her.

The more I tried to satisfy her, the more I abandoned myself.

I remember reaching a point where I thought, "When is it enough?"

That was when I realised something had to change.

I really started to go deep into healing myself.

The journey started with slowing down. Then building self-trust. Building courage. Learning nervous system regulation.

Slowly moving my focus from constantly chasing to trusting  Slowly moving from self-abandonment to getting to know myself.

Deeply falling in love with myself.

My body.

My past.

Accepting that this is all my journey. Accepting that everything I go through matters and who I am being, matters.

I started paying more attention to who I was being while losing the weight.

The Diet That Revealed Everything

During one phase of my weight loss journey, I bought a diet plan from one of the online brands. During this time I was at my heaviest and had been living in deep self-abandonment.

The plan focused heavily on portion control.

It pushed me so far out of my comfort zone. Because I had always used food to avoid discomfort. Now I had to reduce the food and sit with the discomfort without my usual coping mechanism.

My little girl came out to run the show.

After a few weeks of somehow managing the plan, and even seeing results, I still didn't feel confident that I was actually losing weight.

Then I reached a breaking point.

I remember thinking,

"I'm going to stop following this plan and go back to eating. Then I'll complain that the plan didn't work so I can prove diets don't work. Because you didn't attend to my needs, I'm going to make sure you're wrong."

The little girl threw a tantrum because she thought that would finally get her the validation she wanted.

But once again, it costed me.

Looking back, I think that should have been the beginning of my healing journey. But everything has its own timing and pace.

Healing Had To Become Part Of My Health

This is why I strongly believe that if you have childhood trauma or unresolved past trauma, it is so important to heal that in order to change your body.

You can take the actions. You can count calories. You can go to the gym. You can hit your step goals.

But if you are doing it from an identity that seeks validation, is afraid to be seen, believes you don't matter, or is living from a victim mindset, self-sabotage is going to show up.

Seeking validation has been one of my deepest core wounds. It created so many beliefs that affected my self-worth. I put myself in so many situations because I was living from a victim mentality. Situations that I still feel shame around when I think about them.

I am still learning to accept and love those parts of myself because if I don't, they will continue to show up in the life I am creating today.

The Good Girl Identity Was Keeping Me Small

Most of us women inherently know that male attention is "bad." That belief teaches many of us to shrink ourselves. To hide. To dim our light. To avoid being seen.

This played a huge role in my marriage.

Somewhere along the way, I believed that proving my loyalty to my husband meant abandoning myself.

So I gained weight. Stayed in performance mode. Became the good girl.

Sacrificed my health.

Allowed myself to become obese so no one would notice me.

Again, my little girl was running the show, wanting validation for being the good girl.

I was constantly working on my business and barely paying attention to my health. I was proving that I was capable of taking care of myself financially.

But in doing that, I never allowed my husband to step into his masculine role.

I remember wearing the most worn-out clothes around the house. A few times, my husband would hand me wet utensils to wipe on what I was wearing.

After it happened several times, I remember thinking, "I feel like I'm becoming the dishcloth."

I felt disrespected. I fought with him about it. But he kept doing it.

Looking back, maybe that was the beginning of my self-love journey.

Because I had to change.

I slowly changed how I dressed, even when I was at home. I had to start pouring into myself before I believed I deserved respect.

I had to heal the little girl and stop letting her run my life.

Accountability Changed Everything

Today, I am in such a different place.

It took time.

But I will also say that having a mentor accelerated everything. My awareness deepened. The shifts happened so much faster. I had to change my standards. I had to take responsibility. I had to become accountable.

I had to decide.

The little girl avoided accountability. She was always looking for someone to blame. But once I decided that it had to be me, everything started to change.

I had to hold my standards.

That built courage.

It built self-trust.

And it deepened my faith that God is always guiding me. Trusting that everything is happening for me.

That has become a huge part of my health journey.

My Weight Loss Became My Reinvention

What started as a weight loss journey became a reinvention of myself. Because I chose to stop letting the little girl run my life.

I have started to live based on what I truly wanted.

And I chose to deeply fall in love with myself.

If This Resonates With You

If you've tried every diet, you've counted every calorie, or you've started over more times than you can remember..

Maybe your body isn't asking for another plan. Maybe it's asking for healing.

Because lasting transformation isn't only built in the gym.

It's built in the relationship you have with yourself.

In my private 1:1 coaching, we don't only focus on habits. We explore the identity beneath. We gently heal the parts of you that still hide in shame, seek validation, or believe they aren't enough.

Together we build self-trust, regulate your nervous system, create compassionate accountability, and help you become the woman who no longer needs to abandon herself in order to be loved.

This space is about compassion, love, and allowing every part of you to exist while trusting that you can evolve beyond the self-limitations you once believed defined you.